


The One That Got Away

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Intersections [6]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Conflicted Kylo Ren, Huddling For Warmth, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Protective Kylo Ren, Slow Burn, Stranded Together, Suicidal Thoughts, The Darkpilot Dogfight You Were Waiting For, crashlanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:47:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The amount of months doesn’t matter. After the Battle of Crait, the Resistance seeks to take Savareen for themselves. Unfortunately, the First Order also has its eye on it, and during a space battle, Poe and Kylo both crashland on a planet not far from Savareen. Now they have to work together to get back to their respective sides.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Series: Intersections [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025694
Kudos: 11
Collections: Darkpilot Songbook





	1. I never meant to get us in this deep

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call “The One That Got Away” by The Civil Wars (the acoustic version) the thing that jarred this idea free.

It was before the battle of Savareen. 

The year didn’t matter, but it was months after Crait (and Kylo doubted that the months mattered either), and the First Order was trying to take Savareen over. There was a part of Kylo, a part that was frustratingly still Ben Solo, that wondered what Aunt Enfys would think of him — but he squashed it down. It was all for a better galaxy. A galaxy without Jedi and Sith, that simply...was. 

”The Resistance has its eyes on Savareen,” Hux said. “I would dare say that they’re thinking of taking it back in a performative show of heroism.”

”Performative is a good word for it.” Kylo said. It seemed, in Hux’s case, that even a broken chrono was right twice a day. ”Taking back Savareen would be valuable. It would send a message to the Resistance — whatever they have, we can just take away. That they, for all their delusions of virtue, are not invincible.”

”Shrewd.” Hux said. The underlying tone of his voice seemed to just be impressed that Kylo had come up with it in the first place. Did Hux really think so low of Kylo’s intelligence? “Should we have a show of Force? Decimation? Lovely word, decimate...”

”Not yet,” Kylo said. “For now, we have to actually win.”

***

Vader’s helmet was in Kylo’s quarters on the _Steadfast_. Kylo was grateful for that, at least. Grateful, for the presence of that half-melted artifact. Even as he approached, lightly touched the mask, he found images flashing across his mind. Two boys, running in a field. Ben Solo, hugging Poe when he came back from Kijimi. 

Kylo shuddered, feeling the grief tense his body. 

”Grandfather,” he said, “Watch over Poe Dameron. Look after him. Someone as rare as he should not be allowed to die.”

No answer. Of course, no answer. But Kylo thought that he could hear Vader’s familiar heavy breathing in his mind even as he left for his TIE Silencer. 

***

The space battle should have been easy. Even as Kylo flew out, backed up by his two wingmen (it wasn’t like he needed them but they insisted), he knew the ropes. Knew how to steer out of the way of the blasts of the Resistance ships. To fire back. It wasn’t anything personal. Like Tallissan Lintra and the others, it was just tactical. 

Until Poe came in. 

Poe. Kylo felt like he had gone rigid behind the console of his TIE Silencer. 

_No. No please not again..._

A voice, laughing in his head, sounding like Snoke — but Snoke was dead, Kylo had cut through him like butter, and it made no sense...

”Supreme Leader.” One of his wingmen, over the comm. “Shall we handle this problem for you?”

Kylo swallowed. He wondered how audible it was over the comm system. “I’ll handle it myself,” he said. "Just cover me."

There was a doubtful silence, but the wingman didn’t comment. 

He ought to pull the trigger right then and there, Kylo thought. Pull it and just make it stop, right then and there. End the pain that seemed to blaze bright in the Force like a sun. 

He couldn’t. 

He just couldn’t. To pull the trigger would end his pain — but to pull it would also continue it as well. 

His finger trembled on the trigger. Trembled, as Kylo considered doing it and not doing it, of taking out the Commander of the Resistance right then and there...

Slowly, his finger strayed away from the trigger. 

One of his wingmen fired anyway, before Kylo could so much as stop him, and someone — Jessika Pava? — shot at Kylo. 

He fell. 

And fell forever. 

Right now, he doubted that he could stop falling. Until he did, and all went black. 

***

Time passed. 

It was Kylo that woke in that moment, realizing that his TIE Silencer was in ruins. Ruins, really. Even pulling himself from the wreckage, he couldn’t help but think that there was no way that he could ever get this thing intact, ever again. And, stumbling through the marsh (Kylo would be damned if he knew where he was), he just managed to pull Poe (who looked more than a bit worse for wear) from the X-wing. From Black One, where he was unconscious. 

He looked banged up. Kylo thought back to the interrogation room (shadows and bruises and blood) and struggled, at least, not to drop Poe despite how badly his hands shook. Poe looked so fragile in his arms, so very delicate, and yet Kylo knew better. Kylo knew that this man had endured torture that would break anyone — and here he was. Strong, brilliant, beautiful. 

They needed to get to some form of a shelter. There was no use getting soaked from the rain that was starting to pour down. Poe was badly injured, and it struck Kylo that this man had survived two ship crashes. 

That and Black One seemed to be cursed. 

As Kylo continued towards the shelter, carrying Poe in his arms, he thought of how he had blown up the hangar of the Raddus. He wasn’t a fool; he’d felt the immolation of the pilots who had died there, felt Poe being knocked back — and for a moment, he had been afraid that he had actually injured Poe. (And the pilots dying? It should have been just a task, something he was trying to do just to disable the Raddus and keep threats from it from getting to him. It didn’t make the impact of their deaths feel any less painful, like he was feeling stars going out)

It had been practical — and he hadn’t even been able to go through with killing Leia Organa just because of some delusion that he wasn’t unwanted by her. He hadn’t been able to. Who was he, in the end? 

Somehow he just hadn’t been _committed_...

The shelter was at least a good place to stay for the night. Poe...there was still a pulse. Thank the Force. Kylo wondered how he could still be fighting when Kylo had all but ruined him. (The electric shocks over his bond with Snoke...)

And it was as he was treating Poe’s injuries, the various cuts and bruises, the various burns, that Poe stirred. Said a name that managed to cut Kylo deep to the bone. 

”Ben?!”

Apparently Lord Vader had managed to watch over Poe after all. 


	2. I never meant for this to mean a thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You’re all right.” Kylo wondered, idly, if his voice trembled too much. He knew his hand was trembling. He wished he had the mask in that moment, because without it, he knew that he was defenseless, he knew that he was all but naked. 

”I am." It didn’t take a telepath to feel the hurt simmering under Poe’s voice. “How could you, Ben?"

It didn’t take a telepath, either, to know what Poe was talking about. “I didn’t want to do it,” Kylo said. “It gave me no pleasure.” He should tell Poe the whole truth, but the shame, the shame of being so weak against Snoke’s psychic shocks (so much pain, crackling and shifting against his mind)...it was all but keeping him from voicing the truth. 

_Well, go on. Say it. Show him how weak you are._

Kylo supposed it said volumes that he didn’t know if it was the multitude of voices in his head or his own. 

"And that makes it better,” Poe said. 

”It’s just a mask, isn’t it?” Kylo said. “This anger...”

”No, I’d say it’s very, very kriffing real.” Poe tried to sit up, only to wince. Kylo couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy for him. 

”Don’t overexert yourself,” Kylo said. “You don’t know if you broke any bones in the crash.”

"Oh, _now_ you’re concerned, Mr. I-had-no-problems-trying-to-blow-up-my-former-best-friend-on-the-Raddus?”

Kylo did wince. “I didn’t...anticipate you running to get me.” That was true enough. Poe hadn’t been quick enough to get to the Black One he had at the time. He had hoped Poe would be too late.

It was a miracle he hadn’t been more injured than he was. 

Poe sighed. “Why did you do any of this, Ben? Not just me, everyone. Do you even know the pain you caused your own mother? Do you even know how many people you killed?”

“Yes,” Kylo said acidically, “I’m sure that she’s just crying her eyes out while she tries to find a replacement. I felt it on Crait; she doesn’t love me. That’s abundantly obvious.”

”So you’re trying to destroy the galaxy because your parents weren’t perfect?"

”No,” Kylo said bluntly. “I’d say you presume much.” A beat. “I’d love,” he said sarcastically, “To continue this debate, but we have the issue of actually getting off this planet. After this, you never have to see me again.”

He swore Poe actually looked pained for a moment before nodding. “I guess I can cooperate with you. For the time being.”

”I’m going to make sure you didn’t break any bones.”

”I’m fine,” Poe said. “Really.” A beat. “Why do you care? I thought you’d pretty much said you don’t when you...”

”You...aren’t quite correct,” Kylo said. “I appreciate you, at least. As a worthy opponent."

Poe furrowed his brows, but said nothing. 

”Can you stand?" Kylo said. 

Poe sat up, wincing at least a little bit as he did so. “I think...”

Kylo reached through the Force. Some bruising, he thought, but it seemed that Poe was made of durasteel for not suffering more serious injuries. That or Lord Vader really was watching over Poe, making sure he didn’t come to harm. 

There were more than just Light Side Force Ghosts, after all. 

“You’re truly blessed by the Force to not have more severe injuries,” Kylo said. 

”Or maybe I’m made of durasteel.” A beat. “I don’t know why you saved my life but...thank you.”

Kylo blinked. Of all the things he expected, it wasn’t really that. From anyone. 

”It was no issue,” he said. 

***

They continued up the path in that moment, Kylo with his lightsaber at the ready, Poe with his blaster at the ready. There was something about being with Poe that almost felt like old times. 

(But Poe would never be his. Kylo knew that much)

”What is this planet anyway?” Poe said. 

”I don’t know,” Kylo said. “But I think we should be prepared.”

It was in that moment that Kylo heard...some sort of shriek. Not a human or alien shriek. Definitely an animal. 

”Oh, not good,” Poe said. He prepared his blaster. Kylo ignited his lightsaber, twirling it in a neat arc, ready for the kill. 

Poe turned to look at him. “Do you have to do that?"

”It’s a necessity at this point,” Kylo deadpanned. 

They continued up the path, and it was then that a mangy, emaciated-looking beast that reminded Kylo of a maalras stalked out of the bushes, grinning in a way that almost reminded Kylo of Snoke at his most sadistic. 

Poe fired. Kylo finished the job by Force Crushing the creature. He couldn’t help but feel at least a twinge of satisfaction; he hadn’t been able to do anything against Snoke when Snoke had ordered him to hurt Poe, not until it was too late — but he could take out his anger on that creature. 

***

”You didn’t have to cause a bloodbath,” Poe said. They were sitting by a campfire just then, roasting their kills; Kylo idly wondered how much meat you were able to get from something that skinny.

”I couldn’t protect you in the interrogation room,” Kylo said. “I can at least try now."

Poe sighed. "Why did you do it? I don’t understand. At all. I never thought you’d hurt me...”

“I had my orders.”

”You could have said ‘no’.”

”Well,” Kylo snapped, “It’s hard to do that when the Supreme Leader’s torturing you through the Force Bond you have with him!”

”What?” Poe actually looked confused. Confused — and like he wanted to comfort Kylo. Of course he did. 

"I’m going to tell you a story,” Kylo said. “About Ben Solo. And how his family failed to protect him.”


	3. Oh, I wish you were the one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo trying to tell Poe about Luke doesn’t go well. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Kylo told Poe. Told Poe about Snoke, how he had been there from the beginning. How he had invaded Ben Solo’s mind, time and time again, and how Leia Organa had done nothing, in the end. How he had persisted, how he had struggled, how he had tried — up until Luke Skywalker had drawn his lightsaber on Ben, not even giving him a chance to explain himself. 

"I...” Kylo didn’t miss the look of heartbreak on Poe’s face, the way that his eyes had widened and his mouth had gone slack, how finding words had forsaken him. Finally, Poe spoke. “I don’t believe you. I can’t.”

For a moment, Kylo couldn’t find the words. For a moment, he swore all he felt like rage was bubbling inside him, rising, rising faster —

"I should have known,” Kylo hissed. "I should have known that you would turn on me too.”

”Ben — ”

“Don’t,” Kylo snapped. “At least the _scavenger_ had the decency to believe me.”

He stalked off. He couldn’t say where he was going, even as Poe called out after him.

Even underneath the fury, the hurt — Kylo found himself wondering how exactly Poe could think of him as so fundamentally unimportant. How he would believe Luke Skywalker, false hero, over his former best friend —

He ignited his lightsaber and began slashing through the underbrush. He couldn’t say that he had anything coherent to say, outside of a shout of “I hate you" —

It was when the red cleared that Kylo found himself near...some sort of shed. He could only assume. There was something about being near it — he could hear Poe shouting after him, shouting that outdated name for him (Ben) but Kylo ignored him. He didn’t need this man. Not now. 

He carved his lightsaber through the door, and it opened. 

***

He found that there were mines there. Of course. There were mines — glowing white domes. Kylo couldn’t say he was perfect at demolitions skills, but he could at least disarm them. Pity he couldn’t use them.

”Ben.” Poe’s voice, behind him. “Are you okay?”

”Is there anything else you want to not believe me about?” Kylo muttered. 

”Ben, come on,” Poe said. “I was just in shock, that’s all! There’s a difference. And if Rey believes you, why does it matter if I believe you?”

”You really are an idiot,” Kylo muttered. 

”Okay, that wasn’t fair.”

”You were my friend,” Kylo said. “I’d think that a true friend would actually believe me...”

”We’re on opposite sides. I don’t think we’ve been friends in...six years?"

”...touché.” It didn’t hurt any less, of course. Kylo really did hate him, sometimes. 

The mines were disabled. Now, even as they entered, Kylo couldn’t help but think that he was entering an old museum, an old relic of the Rebellion. 

Datapads. Old armor. Old weapons. Now that Kylo thought about it, it was like stepping into the past. 

”What is this place, anyway?” Poe said. For a moment, their quarrel was forgotten. 

”I think we found an armory,” Kylo said. “Best we can do is take what we need, and no more.”

***

”I guess the question is,” Poe said, “If we’re going to find any ships around here. We’ll get back to our sides and...maybe I can start doing detective work regarding Luke.”

”Why don’t you believe me?” 

Poe sighed. “It’s not that. I don’t know what to believe. I’m just...in shock, that’s all.”

And there was something about that vulnerability that was enough to drain the anger, temporarily, from Kylo. Now...now he just felt stupid. Maybe a bit selfish. He couldn’t say he’d felt that before. 

”I’m sorry,” he said. The words felt like pulling teeth. 

”S’all right,” Poe said, and there was something about that that Kylo knew he didn’t deserve. Poe...forgave him, at least for that, so easily. 

Kylo couldn’t say why. 

”Thank you.” Kylo said. “Really.”

A shrug from Poe. “It’s the least I can do.”

And Kylo could not help but wonder how Poe could just forgive him for his own stupidity, at least on this part, so easily. 


	4. Wish you were the one that got away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo rescues Poe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was heading up the path that Poe doubted that the silence between them had ever been more awkward. All that silence...somehow, Poe wished that there didn’t seem to all but be a chasm between them.

Back when they were on the same side, they could at least talk easily. They could laugh together. Banter. It struck Poe that he hadn’t heard Ben’s genuine laugh in...well, quite some time, actually. 

It struck him that he missed things like that. 

Yes, Poe thought, he really did. 

”So,” Poe said, even as they continued up the path, “How’s...Supreme Leader duties? What do they entail anyway? Is there a puppy-kicking quota on there?”

Kylo actually did wince. That was weird, Poe thought, at least for him. “I’m only doing what I think is right,” he said, “And I don’t really appreciate you saying I kick puppies." A beat. “It doesn’t make the galaxy better.”

”I never fancied you to be the take-over-the-First-Order type.” Poe absently kicked at a pebble. 

"Neither did I.” Kylo said. “Still...there were times when Snoke’s treatment of me got so bad that I wished one or both of us was dead.”

Poe halted, abruptly. Ben, wishing he was dead? However...conflicted he was about Ben, he knew Ben didn’t deserve this. 

It was a feeling that clawed at him, that made him wish that he could have saved Ben earlier. 

”Ben,” he said, “What did he do to you?”

”Nothing that wasn’t part of any other Dark Sider’s training," Kylo said. 

"Bantha fodder,” Poe said. “Training’s supposed to make you better, not...make you wish you were dead. Or your teacher was dead. Or both.”

Kylo paused. Then, “Snoke did want to make me better. I just wish that he didn’t give me the feeling he...hated me...”

Poe bit his lip. Then, “He was wrong."

"I thought that killing him would make it stop.” Kylo sounded so quiet, so vulnerable, and Poe felt like a scream was threatening to build up inside him, to escape. Kylo had been effectively being tortured (his friend, his treasure, his Ben) and Poe was all but helpless against it. 

Had Leia known? Why had she just watched? Just listened to her son being tormented...and did nothing?

Poe stumbled into the bushes, feeling the contents of his stomach come up in a fit of violent nausea. People — Luke and Leia — had known about Ben being effectively tortured (they had to, somehow) and done absolutely nothing. Dad had tried coming for him when Poe had lost his way as a Spice Runner. 

What had kept Kylo’s family from doing the same?

He felt Kylo’s arms — strong. Pretty kriffing strong — encircle his chest, set him upright. Poe wiped his mouth, suddenly feeling horrible at the idea of being so vulnerable before Kylo. 

Just like the interrogation room, he thought. 

He jolted away, breathing all too fast, feeling, suddenly, repulsed. “I...need a minute," he said, and all but ran up the trail. 

***

It was near a crackling campfire that Poe found himself with blasters pointed at him. Not exactly a new situation, but still. 

“Resistance hypocrite,” one of the salvagers, a woman with red hair in a bun said. “If it were up to me, you’d be rotting in a sarlaac pit.”

”I guess we just can’t talk this over?” Poe said. “Minus the sarlaac pit?”

”Nice try, Captain.”

It was in that moment that Poe heard the familiar ignition of a lightsaber behind him, crackling and almost volatile, but somehow, reassuring in the fact that it was there. 

”Captain Dameron is under the protection of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren,” Kylo said evenly as he stepped forward. "If you want a chance to back down, I suggest you take it.”

The salvagers sneered. “Or what? You’re going to flail around mindlessly? Don’t think the galaxy hasn’t heard what a loser you were at Crait. Skywalker sent you back crying — ”

Kylo all but hurled his lightsaber at the salvagers. 

Poe winced, even as their heads were cloven from their shoulders. Kylo deactivated his lightsaber. 

”You shouldn’t have run ahead without me,” he said. “Whether you like it or not, we’re in this together.”

”Well, maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t...mentally eviscerated me!"

Kylo winced. Poe continued. “I know,” he said softly, “Snoke was likely torturing you. From what I heard. Was he?”

”While I was doing it,” Kylo said. ”I know it will take some time for you to believe me, Poe. I really do.” A beat. “Truthfully, maybe you shouldn’t.”

Poe swallowed. Ran the tips of his fingers over Kylo’s arm — not missing how Kylo seemed to be longing for the touch and scared all at once. 

”Let me help,” Poe said. “You don’t have to come back to the Light Side. Just trust me.”

***

The salvagers’ campsite, at least, seemed to provide new information. Apparently they were Hosnia Prime refugees, who blamed the First Order for blowing up their system and the Resistance for not being fast enough to save them. 

”Stars,” Poe said. "We should give them a proper burial, at least. They deserve as much.”

”They tried to kill you,” Kylo said. 

”They weren’t monsters,” Poe said. “Just...lost and angry."

Kylo paused. Then, “Hux was more onboard with blowing up the Hosnian system than I was. I might have made a reference to Lord Vader around him; he didn’t appreciate it.”

”Which one?” Poe said. 

” ‘The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.’” A beat. “Snoke wasn’t amused, but I can’t say I was wrong.”

”That’s...one hell of a burn,” Poe said. “I’ll say that.”

”I saw my — the General’s reaction to Alderaan’s destruction. How it nearly destroyed her. I know that the Death Star tried to destroy Yavin too. For all the things I am onboard with, gratuitous vaporization of a planet is not one of them."

Poe nodded. Maybe it was Kylo expecting a prize for basic decency, but Poe could take some comfort in seeing traces of the friend he knew.

***

They buried the salvagers. Kylo was more familiar with Hosnian burial customs than Poe was, but Poe liked to think he at least did a good job of that too. They both stood up just then, Poe turning towards Kylo. “There’s more good in you than you think.”

”I don’t know.”

”I think there is,” Poe said. “You just don’t acknowledge it enough.”

They continued forward then, towards the path that led outwards, towards, hopefully, the place they could find the nearest ship. 


	5. I got caught up by the chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Trigger warning for brief mention of suicidal ideation.

“There’s probably more of them.”

That was what Poe said even as the both of them continued along the path. Even as they continued further — the looming menace of the forest seemed almost like something out of a campfire story. 

”Probably,” Kylo said. “Where there’s a select few, more will most likely find a way to charge up behind them as strong as before."

”You’d probably know all about that, right, Ben?”

Poe didn’t miss the way that Kylo flinched in that moment. The way he looked. “I’m not Palpatine,” he said. “Or Snoke. I have a vision.”

”Did that vision include trying to kill the Resistance on Crait?”

Kylo paused; it was almost, Poe thought, like he hadn’t quite thought this through. Had he? Had he stood over Snoke’s corpse and suddenly decided “Well, I’ve got nothing to go back for; might as well take over the First Order and try to kill everyone in the Resistance"? It didn’t seem like Ben. Then again, Kylo hadn’t been Ben for six years, at bare minimum. 

"Your own mother was there,” Poe said. 

”Oh, I suppose she missed the memo she had a son...”

”That’s not...” Poe trailed off. What was Leia thinking, exactly? He’d be damned if he knew what was going on inside her head. After all, she’d decided to randomly slap him and humiliate him before demoting him for taking down a Dreadnaught. Demotion, maybe? But slapping him?

He could still remember the sharp crack of her palm against his face, the shock of realizing the General could hit hard — that she could hit at all, actually. 

Kylo...he had this strange, unreadable look on his face. “Did she...hurt you?”

”I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of my head,” Poe gritted out. “I mean it.”

Kylo sighed. “I don’t like this any more than you do, Poe. Being so...intimate.”

”Hell of a way to put it." Poe said. “Do you have any idea what you did? How — how I just wondered what would happen if I...”

He trailed off. How did he describe that feeling, wanting to die after Kylo had been done with him? Kylo had most likely thought he was being merciful when he’d knocked Poe out, but upon waking in that prison cell with cold durasteel on his wrists, Poe had felt like he wished he was dead. 

He hadn’t let it show around Finn, of course. But when you had to live with the simple fact you hadn’t been strong enough, the repetition of memory in your skull...Poe had been put on “suicide watch” after the interrogation, but there were more ways to die than just sharp objects...

And Ben had done this to him. 

”I never wanted this to happen.” Kylo sounded, unexpectedly, vulnerable. “I will say, at least — that feeling of being violated? Split open? I’ve felt it before."

Poe could at least buy that. He wasn’t about to go charging off into more danger, at least; he needed Kylo to survive whether they both liked it or not. 

He wasn’t about to unthinkingly swallow everything Kylo said, though. He wasn’t stupid. 

”It wasn’t your fault,” Kylo said. “You were brave. If you can’t believe that I didn’t want to do that, at least believe the two things I told you. You were brave, and you were strong. You still are.”

“I can...believe that even if you’re just lying.”

”I’m not a good liar,” Kylo said. “I think that’s a universally accepted truth.”

Poe couldn’t argue with that.

***

There was a sudden thunderstorm, and they had to take shelter. Even listening to the rumbling growl of thunder up above and the hard patter of rain, Poe thought, despite himself, of when he and Ben had had sleepovers. When the rain pattered down on the Damerons’ roof, and the two boys had hot chocolate and watched adventure holos. 

Kriff, where had that gone?

”You’re shivering,” Kylo said, frankly. 

Poe sighed. “It’s a little cold.”

”Sit with me.”

Poe supposed he didn’t have much of a choice, and he would admit that when Kylo slung his cloak about Poe’s shoulders, it felt warmer than it had any right to feel. It felt a lot, Poe thought, like resting in the wings of a great beast. Though this beast wasn’t entirely evil. That Poe knew. Mostly he just seemed angry and sad. 

”I swear this is like something out of a bad porno,” Poe mumbled. “Without the kriffing.”

Kylo snorted. “Do shut up,” he said, but there was something in that tone that suggested that he did find Poe’s remark slightly funny. Force, when was the last time they’d actually bantered together?

Poe found he missed that.

”We’ll have to wait out the storm,” Kylo said. “It’s the best we can do.”

***

Poe fell asleep against him. Kylo found he didn’t mind, all things considered. When was the last time that happened? When was the last time he’d had touch that didn’t have physical pain behind it? It all seemed so distant. So long ago. And it occurred to Kylo that he almost, almost missed this. 

Poe felt like a furnace against him. Kylo found, oddly, that he didn’t mind. At least, he could find some form of warmth on this strange, unfamiliar planet that was bringing back memories he wished he didn’t have. 


	6. And you got high on every little bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They depart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Kylo’s dreams were all too familiar. 

_In his dreams, he saw Poe on the interrogation — no, the torture — rack, once again. They weren’t dreams, but flashbacks; Kylo could still feel the electric shocks in his brain even as he tried to fight back, fighting from the inside. Poe writhing on the rack, writhing and straining as Kylo’s hand pulled, feeling as much under Snoke’s volition as anything —_

_“Please.” This time, Kylo tried to speak to Snoke in the nightmare. “Please, stop. I can’t do it...”_

_And Snoke, urging him on. “You can’t save him, Kylo Ren. I will break him, body, mind, soul, resolve — I just wonder which one will break first...”_

Kylo snapped awake just then, glancing around frantically. Looking around, where Poe had been jolted awake — stars, now he knew. He knew how weak Kylo was now. He truly did. 

”I heard you.” Fingers that trailed along Kylo’s cheek. “I heard you...screaming.”

”Yeah. I was." Kylo took a shaky breath. “You know, don’t you? How...weak I was?"

"You’re not weak,” Poe said, softly. “I don’t know if I like you now, as a person...but you’re not weak."

"You really think that?”

”I do.” There was so much earnestness, so much conviction, in Poe’s voice, that Kylo felt almost like he could believe it. Possibly. Because Poe — Poe still had so much kindness to give, even after Kylo had let him down. 

Let him down. What an understatement, now that Kylo thought about it. He’d hurt Poe. 

”There’s more,” Kylo said. “There’s many reasons I killed Snoke. One of them...I remember that he was going on about how it didn’t matter that I’d killed my — Han Solo,” somehow, he doubted he could call Han his father yet, “And I realized that everything I did was for nothing. Hurting you. Hurting the girl. Killing Han Solo. Everything I did was ultimately for nothing. I know, you’ll act like I should have known it sooner, but...it was like nothing I did mattered. I still wonder if everything I did and was forced to do to find Skywalker...if that was for nothing.” Kylo fiddled with his gloves. “He did beat me. Though even that wasn’t on fair terms. It was just a mirage. Bastard couldn’t be bothered to personally show up...”

”He wouldn’t,” Poe said. Stars, was he just breaking Poe’s heart with every word he was saying? That was the question.

”He’s not...” Kylo trailed off. Maybe it was more prudent just to let Poe draw his own conclusions? Do his own detective work?

Yeah. That was prudent, at least. A good idea. 

”You’ll understand,” Kylo said. “When you do your own detective work, you’ll understand.”

***

They headed up the path, in a sort of awkward silence that Kylo couldn’t say he liked. Poe, apparently, believed him about being forced to torture him...but when it came to actually believing him about Luke, that was a completely different story. 

Kylo couldn’t help but miss the days where he could actually talk to Poe. 

”Are you angry with me?” he asked, after a while. 

”Maybe a bit,” Poe said. “Maybe I just want to keep my belief intact as long as I can.”

”I know.” It was something that, long ago, Kylo had been familiar with. 

Eventually, Poe laughed in delight. They hadn’t just found a hangar for ships; they had found a communications array, just for reaching their respective sides. 

Kylo smiled faintly. He should be happy about them finding a communications array. Should. And a hangar. But instead, he found that he was unexpectedly sad. 

It was the idea of him losing Poe, all over again. Poe wouldn’t leave him, of course. He would be with him, calming him, hurting him, everything. Just like Poe had when Kylo had had to leave the first time. 

***

”The array needs some parts to work,” Poe said, absently even as he fiddled with the wires. Kylo could remember times when he had helped Poe fix the Falcon, showing him which wire went where. 

”Thought so,” Kylo said. “I suppose after this, it’s the end of us seeing each other. Of our partnership.”

”I wouldn’t rule anything out,” Poe said. “Help me with these wires, will you?”

Kylo did. He knew the basics of mechanics-work, of doing his best just to adjust things. Tweaking, adjusting, until the array flared up.

”It’s working!” Poe declared, and there was something about it that made Kylo feel a faint pang in his heart, seeing him smile. 

Force, he did miss Poe’s genuine smile. 

He wished he could have been more responsible for that smile, actually.

***

It was delivering their messages, including Poe’s request for a new Black One (how many X-wings did he have?), that after a while, Kylo said (once the communications system was off), “You have my name in your code. My old name.”

”Of course. I passed it off as being an Obi-Wan fan when people asked me about it,” Poe said, “But...I don’t know. I still...care about the man you were before.”

”You’ll never see that man again,” Kylo said. He almost regretted it seeing the look of hurt on Poe’s face, but it was the truth. Ben Solo was based on a lie. 

”Then,” Poe said, “I’ll at least remember him. He’ll be with me, even if I can’t see him.”

***

The First Order sent their shuttle, the Resistance sent theirs. Kylo turned to look at Poe just then, and didn’t say anything. Just a nod, but it was enough. 

It was like a mirror of when the scavenger had left him behind. At least this encounter had left them with some degree of hope — though Kylo didn’t know where it would take them. 


End file.
